Selfish Prayers

In community group last week, we answered the question along the lines of, “What do you thirst for God to do in your life?” It was an application question from John 7, where Jesus says He is the living water, and anyone who is thirsty can come to Him and drink.

 

My first thought was, I want God to make everything normal again. But then, I asked myself why I thought that, because the question seemed to be asking how I wanted God to work within me, and not circumstantial change (but of course, God can do both!). I felt a sense of guilt, that my thirst for God was selfish. So I thought deeper. Why do I want things to be normal again?

 

I concluded that I was, and still am, discontent. While I think every believer should have a healthy sense of discontentment for life on earth (our hearts are made for eternity), my discontentment is rooted in selfishness. In fact, God has exposed a lot of selfish thoughts and attitudes I have had recently. They’ve made their appearances as selfish prayers.

~

 

Last weekend, Kelly, Genny, and I had planned to go to Anna Maria Island. We made plans awhile ago (not spontaneous like the rest of their lives), and I was really excited to go. We talked about it almost every day that week. But when the day came, Kelly woke up in a lot of pain. She didn’t sleep well the night before and couldn’t get out of bed. We had planned to leave at 1pm, but 1pm came and went, and Kelly was still in bed.

 

I wasn’t sure what to do. I understood that Kelly was not trying to sabotage our beach plan on purpose. She does not want to be in so much pain, and she wanted to go to the beach as much as Genny and I did. Yet I couldn’t help but feel a sense of frustration welling up in me. I whispered a desperate prayer, “God, I really want to go to the beach today. Help Kelly get up and out of bed.” My mind quickly devised a plan B: Genny and I could still go to the beach without Kelly.

 

God answered yes to that prayer, and the three of us spent a wonderful afternoon and evening at Anna Maria Island. It wasn’t too hot or too cold, and the clouds in the sky created a beautiful sunset. We floated in the Gulf, went on walks, and got tacos on the island. 

Clear Ocean

Colorful Sunset

 

On the drive home, I reflected on the day. It started with so much anticipation and excitement, which turned into frustration, disappointment, and worry, and ended with joy and contentment. It was a roller coaster of emotions, and I was exhausted. If I could somehow only experience the joy and peace of being at the beach… Another selfish thought.

 

But I wasn’t the only one who was exhausted. Kelly got in the water with us, and by the time we came home, her muscles were throbbing. It took both me and Genny to get her to her room. As we were putting Kelly to bed, I told her that I had thought about going to the beach without her and apologized for my selfish desire. She said that it wasn’t selfish at all, and that it would have been fine to go without her. I smiled and thanked her for being so gracious. As I left her room, I wondered, Was that really not selfish?

 

I’m still learning to have a healthy relationship with my own emotions and desires.

 

~

 

So you all may be wondering what in the world Floridians are doing to have such a surge of COVID-19 cases. I have no idea. Despite a steady increase in cases, the state of Florida is still in phase 2 of reopening (whatever that means), and people seem to be going about their businesses as usual. Masks are required in Orange County, but people are allowed to eat at restaurants and all that fun stuff.

 "Florida Covid Count" Result

Apart from state and county government mandates, Cru has its own rating system for ministry throughout the country. According to its standards, Florida is currently at the lowest (red) level, which means no in-person ministry. Anyone moving from a red state must self-isolate for two weeks before coming into contact with other Cru staff.

 

This means that if I move down the street, I would have to self-isolate for 14 days because I moved from Florida. Kind of frustrating, in my opinion. When Tony John first told me about this policy, my first reaction was that it was wrong and I do not want to follow it. I texted him: “These rules don’t make sense to me and I want to fight them.” I had the same reaction when I had to be in isolated quarantine upon returning from the Bahamas, where there were zero cases.

 

Since March, I have been a bird in a cage. There have been extreme stipulations put on my freedom of movement because of circumstances and the people I live with. I feel like I’m doing so much more to keep the people around me safe. While I have complied with all that I’ve been asked to not do, I am screaming inside. I am tired of putting other people first. I want to go to Disney, eat at a restaurant, work at a coffeeshop, go to church in person, and play ultimate frisbee with strangers. I just want life to go back to normal.

 

No, I want it to be OK to be selfish again. I don’t want to have to think about other people’s safety or put other people’s needs before my own.

 

But that’s also not completely accurate. I still want to serve and help others. A new intern coming in from California asked if I would be able to pick her up from the airport when she arrived. I wanted to text her immediately and say I’d love to pick her up! But then I remembered that I will be living with other people who may not be comfortable with me being exposed to California and airport germs. So instead, I responded that I would love to pick her up, but would need to first have a few conversations with people.

 

If the pandemic has taught me anything, it has taught me how interconnected life is. My decisions have a ripple effect on the lives around me, and it is not enough to think about how my choices will affect me. When I choose to wear a mask, see people outside six feet apart, and refrain from gathering indoors, I am made aware of the selfishness in my heart. These choices are not natural, but conscious and painful at times. My heart constantly questions them, but in my head I know that these are good things. Even in my struggle, I pray my actions are honoring to the Lord and the people around me.  

 

Being unselfish is exhausting. I think it just shows that I need to be living in the power of the Spirit and not on my own strength.

 

~

 

“What do you thirst for God to do in your life?”

 

Some of the couples in community group shared about concerns with aging relatives’ health. Others talked about the heartbreaking choice sending their children back to school, virtual education, or homeschooling. One person opened up about his desire to feel God’s presence in life.

 

Finally, I shared about my thirst. I was honest: I wanted things to go back to normal, but the root of that longing is ultimately wanting to be content in Him.

 

And funny how God speaks to us when we need to hear from Him. This Sunday, the pastor continued our series on Rhythm and Flow and talked about Sabbath. The sermon was full of truths that I needed to hear. Here are just a few:

 

“Do I believe that God is enough for me?”

 

“We are fulfilled, we are satisfied, and we are completely and totally whole when we are in communion and rhythm with God.”

 

“It’s not about my work, but about His finished work.”

 

I was reminded that Sabbath rest re-orients my perspective from myself to God. Instead of looking inward, I look upward, and everything changes. It’s no longer about me and what I can and cannot do, but who I am in Christ and what He has already done for me. Everything else should be a response of gratitude and love for my Savior.

Trust

Human society is built on it. Community thrives in its presence. It takes years to earn and seconds to destroy.

 

Trust, the topic of an interesting discussion that made me think a lot after. What is trust? Why do I not trust? Who can I trust? Here are some semi-organized thoughts originating from a rainy Friday morning with good food and great company (and nice utensils, I might add).  

 

Disclaimer: I am, by no means, an expert on this topic. The reason I want to write about it is so I can understand trust more, and trust better. But first, a picture of the beach I went to this weekend 😊  (there were people, just not in the picture).

Anna Maria Island

 

What is Trust?

I love definitions, and the first one on Merriam-Webster’s dictionary is “(noun) assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something.” As a verb, to trust is “to rely on the truthfulness or accuracy of, or to place confidence in.”

 

So there are two forces at play: the one that does the trusting and the other that is being trusted. Trust exists between two entities. And there are a lot of factors that contribute to the trustworthiness of someone or something: character, which is tested over time, as is ability and strength. Truth can be verified against… facts? (Also, what is the difference between truth and facts? Probably a discussion for another day.)

 

Another part of trust is reliance and confidence. Synonyms that come to mind include dependence and responsibility. I personally associate these words with peace. A peace of mind knowing that I can be confident in another person, that they are responsible and dependable. So then, who would I trust? (The definition says that we can trust in something, but trust in things only goes so far. Stuff breaks, wears out, disappears, is flat out taken away, or destroyed. Unreliable. Cannot be trusted.)

Trust in Self

I wrote earlier that trust happens between two entities, but what if they are the same? Is it possible to trust in yourself?

 

I think so. I rely on my ability to cook to keep myself alive. I have much less confidence in my ability to find my way through the woods at night. I have strengths and skills that I believe are fairly consistent: I can play music, follow instructions, and drive a car. 

 

 But there are plenty of instances where I can’t trust myself. I make poor decisions. I misjudge other people’s motivations. I have questionable character. I’m not always honest, even with myself. My feelings and my thoughts have led me to do things I regret.

 

But I’m a perfectionist, and I want everything in my control to be right. The only problem is that I’m not perfect, and am not wholly trustworthy.

 

Trust in Others

So if I can’t really trust myself, can I trust other people? Short answer is no. Just look at the number of people who go outside without masks, argue that racism doesn’t exist, or show up late to meet-ups. Reliable character? Highly questionable.

 

But I grew up very trusting of others, believing in the good intentions, character, and truthfulness in people I met. Some people said I was naïve, others called it innocence. Gullible works too.

 

Then I read Animal Farm by George Orwell in middle school, and it angered me. The book is an allegory of the Russian Revolution, and the lies, deceit, betrayal, and abuse portrayed in the novella appalled me. While most of the characters are animals, they represented people and their dark and ugly dispositions especially when given power. I almost couldn’t believe that people would take advantage of other’s trust, and consequently be so untrustworthy.

 

But life happens, and I guess the older one gets, the more one experiences. I learned that I could not trust everyone all the time (duh!). While I still want to believe the best in others, it is difficult for me to approach my relationships (friends, family, professional, etc.) without a hint of skepticism. I am slow to open up and have a hard time being vulnerable. I ask a lot of questions, prying others open before I barely crack. I have an insatiable desire to know whether someone is trustworthy.

 

If you know me well, you are probably aware of my little Googling obsession. I run Google searches on people for fun and try to dig out as much information as possible from the internet. Call me a stalker, creeper, whatever you want. I acknowledge that this is a questionable hobby.

 

Why do I do it? I’m not really sure. Maybe it’s my subconscious desire to be a detective/FBI agent. What I do know is that knowledge is power. I don’t care about power in the traditional sense. I don’t need to be the pigs in Animal Farm and rule over the others. But having knowledge may help prevent me from getting taken advantage of. Knowledge gives me a sense of certainty and security. Knowing more about someone means less ambiguity, unknowns, and all the scary things that come with being in the dark.

 

Yes, life is full of curveballs and plot twists. People are unpredictable; we are not robots and cannot be modeled with equations. But the more you know, the more you can piece together who s/he is and discover patterns in his/her behavior that help you anticipate what s/he would do in a specific situation. All this to say, I do my best to minimize being blindsided in life.

 

I can go on and on about trusting others in life. Something that happened this past week involved my housemate’s best friend and her housemate, and the issues of trust between the two of them. They disagreed about proper levels of social distancing and were not honest with each other about many things, which resulted in a lot of drama, tension, and stress. Obviously, there was more than distrust (they were also not on the same page with communication and understanding of Covid), but we do not have to go into details.

 

People are not perfect, and that makes it difficult to trust. But it doesn’t mean that we (read: I) should not trust others. Trust is built, and unfortunately broken often, but there’s grace, forgiveness, and second chances (hopefully) in the process.  

Trust in God

If you asked me to finish a sentence that started “Trust…” this is how I would complete it:

 

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart 

and do not lean on your own understanding. 

In all your ways acknowledge him, 

and he will make straight your paths.”

- Proverbs 3:5-6

 

These are some of my favorite verses in the Bible. It gives me the assurance that I’m not supposed to trust my own intellect and feelings, no matter how smart or clever I think I am. I am commanded to trust in God and acknowledge Him in all that I do. He is the one who knows everything, is steadfast and unchanging, perfect and good. And He promises to make straight my paths, if I trust in Him.

 

“You [God] keep him in perfect peace

    whose mind is stayed on you,

    because he trusts in you.

 Trust in the Lord forever,

for the Lord God is an everlasting rock.”

- Isaiah 26:3-4

 

It’s clear that God ought to be the one directing my steps. He should be the One that I turn to before every decision. Sometimes His rules and boundaries don’t make sense to me and my little mind. I’ll argue that it’s unfair and I’m missing out, but the truth is that life is unfair. Also, God knows what He’s doing and I do not (and what I should not have always seems more attractive because it’s off limits). After all, God created the universe and all the laws that govern it. If anyone knows what is good and bad for me, what is right and wrong about the world, God would. And He is the one who deserves all of my trust. 

 

My Summer Project

This summer, I have been support-raising for my second year with Cru. Because of God's grace and provision, it is going quite well. As a result, I am sometimes very bored. I discuss this "problem" with people, and they suggest: “Is there anything you want to learn? A new language? New skills?”

To be very honest, I am tired of learning. It's exhausting. When I learn something new and there's no foreseeable use of the skill, I wonder what the purpose of learning is, if it's not enjoyable. Obviously there are lots of things we learn that have no purpose or enjoyment, and God uses those developed skills far into the future (or simply to shape our character), but I am very tired.

Online Image from "Learn" Search

It’s almost ironic that my top StrengthFinder strength is Learner. It means I enjoy it (which I definitely do to some extent) and am good at learning. That is definitely a blessing.

But I am still learning every day. I read about the news, and I am constantly watching cooking videos to improve my cooking skills. I am listening to podcasts that talk about racial injustices and the Bible (they’re two separate podcasts). I picked up the guitar and was practicing until I sliced my finger a couple months ago. It’s still a little tender when I press on the strings, but I'm slowly getting back into it. I also have a summer project! But my summer project isn’t something; it’s someone. (Disclaimer: my summer project isn't exactly a person. I'm teaching skills to someone and that's more of my project. But I'm definitely investing a lot of time into a person, not a subject or skill, and thus the metaphor. I'm not trying to objectify a person.)

I live with Kelly, and her boyfriend Matt is taking College Algebra this summer. He’s in the beginning of his college career, and was (is now less, but still is) struggling in his classes. Learning math is hard. On top of that, add the intensity of a summer semester, and on top of that, online learning. It’s the worst combination ever.

Matt’s educational background doesn’t help either. He was homeschooled, but not the way I was homeschooled. Simply put, organization, discipline, and academic rigor are completely foreign to him.

When I was first asked to help Matt, I thought he was just like any other college student I tutored back at Santa Clara University. I thought all he needed was in-person explanations of new mathematical concepts, some encouragement, and a little accountability to stay focused on math homework. Or so I thought.

The first session (back on June 19) went fairly smoothly. Our work was broken up into two sessions because I had online meetings in the middle of the afternoon. While Matt was slightly distracted, stressed, and often hit a wall because of his frustration, I had experience with all of his self-sabotaging behaviors with other students at SCU. They were easy enough to deal with and fix. I thought the ADHD behavior was somewhat annoying, but I attributed it to working in the living room where his housemates were moving about and hanging out.

The next few sessions made me progressively more frustrated. Matt was (is much less now) chronically distracted, and was multi-tasking during our sessions. I was annoyed at his lack of focus and pointed it out to him. This was the first signs to me that Matt needed more “help” than math tutoring. No one had ever taught him that learning required focus and concentration. I soon learned that he never had the opportunity to learn a lot of the fundamental skills of being a good student.

I talked to Kelly about Matt’s study habits, and I discovered that the problem was much deeper. While I was helping Matt finish his homework on time, he was missing deadlines for quizzes, exams, and worksheets (part of participation for watching online lessons). I thought I was just there to help him learn new concepts, but this conversation revealed that Matt lacked fundamental study skills to succeed in college. No one taught him that he needed to submit his work on time. No one showed him how to use a calendar or planner. No one told him school is a full-time job.

But anyway. Yesterday morning, I went over to his house, and I started by asking him how he felt about the end of the semester. He admitted that he was stressed, and that he’s not doing so hot in the class. He got a 60% on the last exam not because he failed, but because he forgot he even had a midterm until the day after it was due. [insert facepalm emoji: 🤦🏻‍♀️]

As much as I want to help him get an A in the class, there's not much time left. His final is on July 27, just three weeks from now.

He recently got a planner, which hopefully will help with organization and planning (which Kelly’s best friend helped him write out over the weekend).

Working with Matt made me realize how much I have fine-tuned the process of learning. It’s kind of crazy the amount of time I’ve spent doing this, and also all the random facts I know about studying, productivity, and effective learning. Here are a few things I am now aware that I do:

• Taking breaks to maximize the amount of time the brain can naturally focus
• Eating healthy snacks, drinking water. Fueling the brain with necessary nutrients
• Minimizing distractions: turning off notifications. Using the “out of sight, out of mind” to focus on the task at hand
• Small rewards to keep me motivated and keep going
• Recognizing environmental cues that enhance or deter from studying. Lighting, sound, other people. I have learned that this is different for different people.
• Having a growth mindset: recognizing obstacles and figuring out how to overcome them (but first, knowing that obstacles can be overcome, which is a very important recognition)
• Organizing a mass amount of material (that actually isn’t that much)
• Making a plan to accomplish assignments/study
• Having the discipline to follow through on said plan

Obviously I didn't develop all of these skills out of nowhere, by myself. I am very blessed to have parents and teachers who knew the value of education, led by example, and pushed me to excel in these areas.

I will not calculate how much it cost me to help Matt, but if Matt were to pay someone out there to give him the help that he needs, I’d estimate that it would be about $1500. And that’s a very conservative estimate. Unfortunately, this is not something he can afford. But it goes to show how valuable education is. While you are not paid to learn (quite the opposite, you pay to learn), the skills one obtains are priceless.

This is why I want to go into education, but that will be a conversation for another day. In the meantime, I will continue to work on my summer project.